Gay Retired Ex-expatriate

Come on over to my new blog!

2007-07-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

Hi! I've started a new blog that talks about my latest adventure in my motor home travelling across America. Come on over and join me if you want!

(The picture is not me, but a stranger I met in the Russian River.)

Everything is Symbolic of Healing Needed

2006-06-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

I can not possibly give an update on all that has transpired since my last post of a few months ago, but I can characterize my experiences as absolutely wonderful. Because I am not working and have the luxury of time, I am able to learn at a rate that would in my working days have taken literally lifetimes. I am grateful.

If I was a good writer, I would work you up to this subject I want to cover in my blog today, but I'm not a great writer. But I am inspired, and I feel that someone, somewhere needs to hear this message: All of what we see and experience is but a symbol of some unconscious fear, guilt or hope that is calling out for healing.

I don't just grab this out of nowhere. Check out Gary Renard's Secrets of the Immortal (an audio series offered through www.soundstrue.com) and/or his book The Disappearance of the Universe, and/or A Course in Miracles.

What made this all very personal for me is that I had a literal dream that everything we experience in life is symbolic of something else that is trying to get our attention. In particular the event is an expression of something that needs healing within us. I've learned to listen to my dreams. Our dreams are very important!

After having the dream I began to review past events in my life while in meditation to see what the symbolic meaning of the event might have been. I've had some pretty bizarre events happen that until now I could only call bizarre or mystical.

I've had several very mystical experiences, but to make my point here and now I will share this one with you that happened to me shortly after graduating from college when I was about 22 years of age. I was working my first job out of college as a flight attendant for a major US airline based in Cleveland, Ohio. I was very much in the closet, practically homophobic by all appearances, a right-winged-Republican-born again- Christian conservative. I was aware of being attracted to men, but suppressed it and thought it was a "sin." I was "dating" a girl in Los Angeles who I was sure that I would marry and live happily ever after with.

Scene I: Walking down Market Street in downtown San Francisco while on a layover after working a flight from Cleveland to San Francisco. Suddenly, as if time itself stood still and like a deer caught in the headlights, I saw the most beautiful, handsome young man I had ever laid eyes on. He and I looked at each other and it seemed as if everything else either stood still or did not even exist. He was on a cable car and he was beckoning me with his mind and soul to get on the cable car with him. There was a soul/body/spirit/lust connection that was overwhelming to me. I fought with myself and "resisted the temptation" and did not get on the car with him.

Scene II: Not five minutes later, after using a restroom in a downtown hotel and leaving the hallway by the restroom I "ran into" my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. She lived in Los Angeles and I in Cleveland, and neither of us knew the other would be in San Francisco. We were both blown away but delighted and we spent the afternoon together along with her girlfriend she was traveling with.

Scene III: I was back on the plane and "working" the all-nighter from San Francisco to Cleveland and who do you think was on the plane as a passenger? The young man I saw downtown on the cable car five minutes before I saw my girlfriend unexpectedly! Most of the passengers slept the trip home and for most of the 4 or so hours of the trip, this lovely young man who happened to be an orphan, tried to convince me that my Christian conservative ways were crazy and that I should be the gay man that I was and go out with him. Give love a chance he tried to tell me.

But I resisted again, and never saw or heard from this lovely Being again.

Symbolic Interpretation: We always have a choice to choose between fear or love. Neither can exist in the same reality. In fact fear comes from a belief in something that is not real, while love is our true nature and exists in the one true reality from which we came and still exist in -- total oneness with all that is. Fear comes from believing we are separate from each other, from God or Source, and that we live in a world of duality where good/bad, birth/death, heaven/hell, yin/yang, male/female, etc., actually exist. Everything we can possibly fear is based on something that can not, in our true nature and reality, happen. This is the short explanation to what thousands of pages are devoted to in the Course in Miracles, but it's all you get in this space.

So in this totally weird scenario that I've described, I chose fear instead of love. I chose the fear of being outed, fear of being gay, fear of being punished by God as being an abomination, fear of not being accepted by my family and society, instead of love. I could have chosen to be who I really am, gone with this man, been honest with my "girlfriend" and myself, but I chose to believe in all that was unreal and chose to believe I was separate and gave reality to fear. I ignored my true reality which is love and truth.

BUT, since I realized the symbolism of this event in my past, and understanding that time itself is something that is not real (as the course teaches) but only a place where we can hide from God because we think we left His presence and feel guilty for having done so and fear his punishment, I understood that all time, past/present/future, all occur simultaneously, and that by going back to this event I could "relive" it and choose correctly. And so I did. I relived the event, chose the man and love, and forgave myself for playing the role I did and asked forgiveness of the man, and my girlfriend. As a result I felt like time and space itself collapsed around me and the event and that nothing would ever be the same again.

By "forgive" as the Course teaches, I did not forgive in the traditional sense by believing that someone had done some "wrong." Rather I forgave for what never really happened in the first place. For we never really ever left the presence of God, or All That Is, but are only sleeping and dreaming of what it would be like to be "separate" from God and our natural blissful state. Our Mind is so powerful and has the natural ability to create, that this universe that we 'created' seems so real to us that we don't know that we are projecting it all from our collective unconscious. God has nothing to do with this Hell we created and continue to hold together with our minds. This world of death and decay and duality. We simply sleep in His presence and He sends us messages through symbol and Spirit to try and gently wake us up and heal us of our mistaken thought of separateness, so we can be back with Him and have a big PARTY.

And that is only one example. I've gone back in time with several events and they have been mind altering, healing and universe-collapsing.

Is anyone still with me?

Peace to you my brother/sister! I will write again when I feel the inspiration to do so! In the meantime, don't be afraid to ask the really important questions like "why am I here," "who am I," "who is God," "is there a god?" and every other really important question. If you ask, you will get answers. One answer leads to a thousand more questions and a wonderful journey of learning has begun, which can only ultimately lead to one place -- your waking up and enlightenment. TO YOUR JOURNEY! For the first time I can say this and really mean it -- I love you!

Where have I been? Where am I going?

2006-02-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

It's taken me six months
to recognize the wonderful gift
the Universe has given me.

My dreams
which I dared not believe could come true
have collided with my now.

My new life begins
and I live the life most only hope
to have.

Soul contract, life purpose,
"what I was born to do,"
have presented, no reminded me
that all that has passed
has lead me to this moment
when I can begin to be/do what I came to Earth to do.

And now it begins!

++++++++++++++++++++

Finished reading Eckhart Tolle's new book
A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.

Out of the blue a good friend invited me to a seminar on "change" at
Spirit Rock.

I said goodbye to some old friends that I may never see again.

Visited the Legion of Honor Museum
100 years ago San Francisco had the earthquake and burned photo exhibit
Will it happen again?

First time ever Yoga today.
First time ever meditation meeting tonight

Enrolling in school

I won't be posting here much anymore.

Thank you for reading!

What do I do with my time?

2006-02-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

I get this question a lot recently from friends wondering what I do with my time now that I no longer have a job. My first reaction is to try and come up with all kinds of grand and important activities and appear to be really important. But the truth is much more mundane and boring than that.

Truth is I'm not doing much. I'm not bored or lonely, but the activities I'm doing right are pretty mundane:

Setting up my new "home." Got a new Plasma high-definition television. Got my internet service set up. Bought a few pieces of furniture; ordered a comfy recliner from the Pottery Barn.
Playing video games. This is the one I hate to admit, and feel somewhat guilty about. But why do I feel guilty? It's not like I'm not doing my homework, or missing work. I'm retired and if I want to play video games all day, and into the night, I'll do it! I'm currently playing World of Warcraft, an on-line interactive game that is fucking cool. If you know the game, my online character name is WarriorOne and I'm at level 19. Say hi if you're online and let's kill some bad guys together.
Daily walks to the supermarket.
Daily monitoring of my investments. I am pretty close to being a "day-trader" but by definition I'm really more of an "investor." I buy and sell stocks, options, mutual funds for capital appreciation, income and dividends. I just happen to make several purchases and sales weekly. I use a few advisory services to help decide which assist to buy and sell, and since retiring about five months ago I've made three times (3X) my annual budget for income. I've been doing unexpectedly, but happily, well. Yippee!
Watching stuff on my new HDTV. Watching CNBC during the stock market day.
Planning and research for my next activities. Current ideas and plans: volunteering at the Gay & Lesbian Center which is a block away from my new home; getting a part-time job in a cool place downtown or in the Castro; enrolling in a Tarot Card reading class or art or writing or...; what I'll do with all the millions of dollars I'll make with my investments; volunteer for the board of HRC; etc.
I bought Eckhart Tolle's (author of The Power of Now) newest book, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, which I've not opened but look forward to reading.
Joined a gym

My best friend from LA just happens to be moving to San Fran in the next week and I'm driving down to LA with his girlfriend for his going away party. I'm glad he'll be here, because he's been my source of friends and social life while in LA and I'm sure he will be in San Fran as well.

That's how things are looking from here.

Stop Bush Now!

2006-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

Stop the Bush Regime!

My View in San Francisco

2006-01-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

These are all taken from my top floor apartment just moments ago. The night shot was taken a few nights ago just as the moon was coming up on the horizon, and is Market Street looking towards downtown (the dome on the left is city hall and you can see the top of the Bay Bridge lit up). Pretty cool, huh?

Final Pics from Barcelona

2006-01-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

Hola! These are some of the last pictures I took while I was still in Barcelona. They show the capital building (Barcelona is the capital of Cataluña), typical narrow streets of the old part of town, architecture example, and a "typical" human statue/performer who will stand still until you put money in their can and then they perform for you. Enjoy.

City on the hill

2006-01-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

Kitty and I nearly froze to death our first night in the new apartment. The heater was not working, a window was stuck open, and I had no blanket! But alas, we are both alive, and now we have TWO heaters working, all the windows have been "unstuck", we have a lovely down comforter, and we're both getting settled in.

After sleeping on a blow-up bed for three nights, last night I picked up a queen sized futon from someone selling on Craigslist (god I love craigslist) and slept on it. For $100 I'm not complaining. On order is more furniture to round out the place so I have a place to sit, eat, set up my office, etc. Next big item to purchase: plasma HDTV 42". I'm excited about that. Trying to decide if I buy it from someone on Craigslist or bite the big one and get it new. Yikes.

Right now I'm sitting on my futon with a few pillows supporting my back against the wall. My laptop is in my lap, Kitty sound asleep by my side on top of the new down comforter, and I can see the Bay through my windows as I peer up from my computer.

The apartment has been upgraded with new hardwood floors, new kitchen appliances (cabinets, granite countertops, fridge, oven/stove and sink), and new mini blinds for the five bay windows.

Now if only I could get Trader Joe's to deliver, I'd be in Heaven.

I'm Breaking the Law

2006-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

According to this blurb from The Sovereign Society Offshore A-Letter (Thursday, January 12, 2006 - Vol. 8 No. 9), by posting this site anonymously, I will be in violation of the law if I post anything "annoying." Yet it is my free speech right to say whatever I fucking want!

Fuck you George Bush! There, now arrest me.

Idiots!

"Privacy and Rights

"Free Speech Anonymous. Mail Fraud

"A STUPID NEW FEDERAL CRIME: President Bush signed a law making it a crime to post "annoying" Web messages or sending "annoying" e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity. As the Cato Institute notes, forbidding anonymous communications on the Internet violates free speech rights long recognized by the US Supreme Court. Anonymous and pseudonymous speech played a vital role in the founding of America. Thomas Paine's Common Sense was first released signed, 'An Englishman.' Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, James Madison, Samuel Adams, and others carried out the debate between Federalists and Anti-Federalists using pseudonyms. Today, human rights workers in China and many other countries use anonymity to allow their free speech. Has the US Congress gone mad?

"WASHINGTON: US officials admit they are opening personal mail that arrives from abroad whenever they think it's necessary to protect the country from terrorism. News of this little known practice follows revelations that President Bush violated the law by approving eavesdropping on US citizens without judicial approval or oversight. No thank you, Big Brothers."

New Home

2006-01-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

A quick update.

I found a great little apartment in San Francisco! It is near the US Mint on the top floor of an old Edwardian building with a spectacular view of downtown, the bay (partial) and even a partial Bay Bridge view. It's tiny, but the views make up for everything. I need to furnish it, so the smaller the better from that perspective.

I move into it on Saturday, which is one day before my originally scheduled return date from Barcelona. Hey, I don't mess around!

I absolutely love the location of my new apartment! I can walk to Safeway, Starbuck's, GNC health, bars (like the Pilsner and Martuni's) and great restaurants.

Once I get settled, I'll start shooting photos again, and posting more.

Talk to you soon!

Happy New Year From North Hollywood!

2006-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Just a quick hello to let you know I did my research in Barcelona, and decided it was not going to work for me long term. I took about 4 weeks of no classes and explored the city and enjoyed myself thoroughly, but realized I really wanted to be back in California, where smoking is forbidden by law in public places, everyone speaks English, the weather is much warmer, and the social opportunities (i.e., friends, family) work better for me.

I'm resting here at my niece's house in NOHO, and will fly to San Francisco this weekend to check out places to live. If all goes well, I should be moving there by mid-January.

I will continue posting from San Francisco, and try to keep taking and posting pictures for those of you who enjoy them.

Happy New Year.

La Pedrera - Gaudi

2005-12-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

These pictures are of La Pedrera, a famous work by the most famous architect in Barcelona's history, Antoni Gaudi. It is an apartment building finished in 1912. The pictures are from the top floor apartment, attic and roof. From the roof is a photo of the most famous of all of Gaudi's works -- the Sagrada Familia (through the arch), which I hope to get closer photos of later.

I will be moving from my student residence to a flat over the next two weeks and will not have access to the internet with this computer and so will not be able to post pictures, however I may post an update nevertheless.

Park Guell Barcelona

2005-12-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

Shortly after I arrived in Barcelona, I made a trip to Park Guell in wonderful weather and it was a gloriously clear and sunny day. You could see for miles and the Mediterranean was visibly blue and beautiful.

Today, when I took my camera, it was not so glorious. It was quite hazy, and so I was not able to get great photos of the Sea. Nevertheless, I got some some shots that I share with you.

Park Guell was originally planned to be a high-end housing development in the early 1900's under the supervision of Gaudi. It never got off the ground and it was turned into a park.

Sitges, beach "town" south of Barcelona

2005-12-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to visit Sitges since I arrived in Barcelona. From the literature it is the gay destination for gay's traveling in the summer season. I envisioned a smallish beach resort but it's not small at all! It's pretty huge! ALLLLL the buildings are 4 - 5 stories tall on every block. I got some decent photos today. But more interesting than just the town ....

I chose a spot near the small cathedral perched on the edge of the Mediterranean to wait for sunset. As I sat waiting, and reading for the umpteenth time "Foundation" by Isaac Asimov, I saw a man approaching me on the narrow ledge upon which I was sitting. He pulled a luggage cart with a very small piece of luggage and a sleeping bag. Was he homeless? I couldn't tell, he looked young and very healthy, so I guessed not. What I noticed most about him was the glow on his face. His eyes were aflame as if he'd seen Jesus Himself. He was looking at the sunset, still bright over the Mediterranean, and was obviously ecstatic about it. I politely stood up from the narrow ledge so he could pass with his "luggage."

As the sun began to set, I clumsily tried to figure how to create a self-portrait. Meanwhile (as you can see in the 'self-portrait') the 'spiritual guy' made his way to the end of the breakwater and bowed. He bowed on the wet rocks and faced not the sunset, but Venus and the crescent moon. I started to tear up. What does this guy know that I don't? I sensed the spiritual power of the moment, but he was bowing to it. I looked to my left and saw the church on the Mediterranean gloriously lit by the sunset. I looked to my right and saw a man bowing toward the perfectly aligned moon and Venus. I felt like I was in a spiritual vortex. What was the meaning of it all?

I don't know the meaning, but it felt like I was in the middle of something very powerful and very spiritual. I wanted to cry, but instead I decided to snap some pictures!

Pay close attention to the pictures and notice the star just above the moon in many of the following. Where the man is bowing if you look closely there is the moon in the upper left. The streak of light is a jet stream that wondered between the moon and Venus.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

2005-12-03T12:31:00.001-08:00

On Wednesday of this week I decided I wanted to take a week off from class so I could pursue what I really wanted to do -- take pictures and explore more of Barcelona! I've decided I don't want to stay here long term, so why waste my time in class when I can be out seeing the sites?

An hour after I made the decision to cut class I got a serious stomach cramp. I had to leave class in a hurry. I don't know what it was, but it lasted for about 36 hours.

I decided when I was sick for the third time in Barcelona that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger."

Yesterday it rained.

Today was gloriously sunny, but for a photographer, sun is not necessarily a good thing. I got up late, and so I ventured into the city when the sun was bright and high, which is not a good thing for pictures -- lots of shadows and really bad lighting. A professional photographer will take his best shots just at first light and sunset.

And so, dear reader, I ventured out today to try and capture glorious pictures of Barcelona for you, but I am very disappointed in the results! I share with you a few but I am not very happy with them. I promise to get better shots soon. After all, I am playing hookie all next week, so I should be able to come up with something!

I set out on foot to the Barcelona Cathedral where I found the Christmas vendors had set up shop in the space before the Cathedral. The Cathedral itself is under renovation and it's facade is covered with a screen. No photo opp's here.

I walked through the narrow streets of the Barrio Gotic by the Picasso museum and on toward the Barcelona Zoo. From the zoo I proceeded to the adjacent parks and down the stretch of walkways to the Spanish version of the "Arc de triumph." Not quite Paris, but it tries.

I caught the very crowded Saturday afternoon metro near the Arc de triumph and headed to the Placa Espanya so I could head up to the Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya (MnAC).

After touring everything there is to see there, I was starving to death, and decided to treat myself to a luxurious meal at the restaurant on the top floor of the museum overlooking the city on this sunny, bright day. This is actually the first time I've treated myself to an expensive restaurant. It was definitely worth it.

I returned via metro to Plaza Catalunya near my school/home and it was so fucking crowded with Christmas shoppers that I found myself annoyed and frustrated. I'll comment on that later, but for now, some of my (I think disappointing) pictures from today.

World Aids Day - Dedicated to Richard

2005-12-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through some blogs (Defining David) today and was reminded that today is World Aids Day and decided to repost from something I wrote from my old site. Here it is:

Sunday, October 17, 2004 :

Dedicated to Richard

This morning I awoke to the sound of a public "happening" in West Hollywood in the vicinity of the Pacific Design Center. My condo has a view of the Design Center and when WEHO has events like Gay Pride, Halloween, etc., I can hear the bands and the crowds.

Today was 2004 Aids Walk Los Angeles. I was reminded of the Walk when I heard the noise. I decided I wanted to go down and check out the event.

It rained all night last night here in Los Angeles. A big deal since it's the first rain we've had in six months. So the air was clean and fresh, and the sun was beginning to pop out to greet all the Walkers.

It was an hour after the start of the walk, but I decided to sign up anyway and I caught up with the crowds. I dedicated my first Aids Walk ever to my ex-roommate Richard. The last time I even came close to walking in an Aids walk was about seven years ago when I met the guy who ended up being a con man and a thief. He stole all the donations I had collected for the Walk and I ended up not doing it.

Today was my first walk. Dedicated to Richard.

Richard was one of many who applied to my want ad in the San Francisco papers asking for a "House Boy." I had just come out of the closet, got a high paying job in San Francisco and was living in a huge flat overlooking the famous Castro. I was looking for a "house boy" who would clean, cook and watch my cat while I traveled for work, in exchange for free rent. I said "no sex required" since often the connotation of a house boy was that sex was part of the deal. The person would have their own room, but we'd share a bathroom. The place was a 2 story "five room" old Victorian right across from the bar the Midnight Sun.

The deal with the ad was that all candidates had to reply to the ad to a post office box I set up and write a letter explaining why they wanted the job and include a picture.

I could dedicate a whole post just to the responses!

But this post is dedicated to Richard.

Richard got the job. He was very sweet, and felt awkward not paying any rent so eventually offered to do so. I accepted and ended up with a roommate who paid rent AND cleaned and cooked! And he and Kitty got along fine.

I remember well when Richard suddenly got very sick. It was a December right before my annual trip to Puerta Vallarta Mexico. He had gotten pneumonia and was home recovering. He said he was feeling better and so I thought nothing of it, and went to Mexico. When I returned he was still sick, and worse. I was concerned about HIV, and asked if he was tested, and he said no. I insisted he must get tested! He said he would when he next saw his "doctor." Well he ended up walking to see his doctor and his doctor said he'd "be fine" and gave him some medication. That night I heard Richard calling out to me from his room in the middle of the night. He could hardly breathe. He asked me to call 911. I did. They came. They asked me if he was HIV positive and I told them I did not know. They took him away.

A few hours later, at dawn, I went to see him at the hospital. He was in intensive care on a breathing machine. His lung had collapsed. Probably from the long walk to see his doctor -- the doctor who said he "did not need an HIV test" and the doctor who let him walk, and the doctor who said he'd be fine.

Richard insisted we not tell his mother or family he was in the hospital. He did not want them to worry about him. I insisted he get tested for HIV. Of course the medical staff had in mind to do just that. The test came back positive. He was not only positive but had a very advanced case of HIV. He'd had it for a very long time. And now he was very sick.

Over the course of the next several days he ended up having I think 2 surgeries on his lungs. To plug up the holes that were forming on them. No success. They would not be able to remove him from the lung machine until he healed. And it did not look like he would heal.

By now the doctors insisted that he let his family know what was going on. He was sick with HIV and it looked like he was going to die. Richard did not want the nurse to call his mom, so he asked me to do it. I told her that her son was in the hospital, that he had AIDS and that he may be dying. You should come to see him.

And of course she did. As well as the two sisters. They all stayed in my place during the ordeal. And through all this my "ex" thief lover-friend was with us and staying with us. Richard's mom, even aware of all the problems we'd been having, said she thought we should be together. She could "tell" that we both loved each other very much.

The day before Richard died he told me he saw angels. He saw little children running happily around his bed while he lay there in the hospital. He told me these things by writing them down on paper, since he could not talk with the tubes running down his throat. During his "last days" only his mom and I were allowed in his room. The stress from other family members, especially his estranged father, was too much for him.

The day Richard died the doctors called me and his mom in to his room. Richard had made the decision to "pull the plugs" and die. His mind was very coherent and he was well aware of the decision he was making. The doctors wanted to make sure that his mom and I concurred with the decision.

Ah JEEZ! I'm thinking "I'm just the guy's room mate for Christ's sake!" How did I achieve the status of a dying gay man's lover? I thought that for a split second and then became overwhelming aware of what a privilidge, what an amazing thing it was, to experience this.

"Yes" I said, I concur that we should "pull the plug," and I told Richard that I loved him and hugged him. He mouthed back to me "I love you too." I said I did not think I should be in the room when they did it, that was something that should be reserved for his mother. They agreed.

I left the room and stopped in the hallway between where his room was in intensive care and where the rest of the family was waiting, and began to sob. A very kind doctor stopped to see if I would be okay. My ex walked in and put his arms around me. I was balling. I had just said goodbye to my roommate for the last time and in minutes he would be dead.

I was in the closet and celibate during the worst of the Aids epidemic. I did not experience ANY friends who got sick and died. Richard was the first person I knew who had AIDS and died.

The family was not intending to have a service and I felt bad about that. His friends at work and elsewhere did not even know what was going on and they would need some closure to this sudden death.

So I volunteered to organize a memorial service for Richard. His place of work, a famous restaurant overlooking the Bay in Fisherman's Wharf, offered up a free banquet room and food service for the memorial. It was a perfect location since many of his friends and coworkers could come to the service.

Lot's of people said lots of nice things and it was very touching. It was especially nice that Richard's mother could hear all the nice things people said. It gave her a glimpse into the life of her only son that she did not have before.

Richard's mom held up amazingly well during all this. She never once cried. She seemed almost unemotional. But after the service, and as I escorted her out of the restaurant, she broke down. She said "did you feel that just now?" It was Richard who just brushed by us. I had to admit I did feel it. We both did. We got outside and she broke down. Began sobbing for the first time. I held her.

That is about the last of what I remember about Richard's death from AIDS. His mother "adopted" me as her second son, but over time the level of our communications has dwindled.

Today I walked in AIDS Walk 2004 - Los Angeles. I dedicated it to Richard.

I love you Richard

Montserrat Spain y Torres Family Vineyard

2005-11-27T04:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went on a tour of Montserrat and the Torres Family Vineyard.

Montserrat is not actually "above Barcelona" as I said in my last post. It's actually northwest of Barcelona about an hour's drive or train ride inland.

The Montserrat is a centuries-old monastery which has geological, political, and religious importance to Catalonia. Apparently the site has more annual visitors than Barcelona. Geologically it is millions of years old and was surrounded by ocean; then as the waters retreated over the centuries, the interesting rock formations were made.

Besides the Catholic history and presence there, some believe that the mountain is a sort of spiritual vortex or portal, and in fact every month on the 21st a group of people ascend the mountain with expectations and hopes that the portal will open or some other apparition will happen.

In fact it was "a bright light" and the sound of "angels singing" that first brought the Catholics here in the 800's. A group of shepherd children saw the light and heard the singing and informed their parents, who also witnessed the apparition. Finally the religious leaders visited and saw and heard the same thing. The site of the original apparitions is in a cave and where the original chapel was built (photos included above).

On my long trek along the path to the original chapel, I saw a barefoot couple with their child making the hike. It was about 35 degrees Fahrenheit, and so I had to assume they were treating the path to the original site as holy ground.

I was glad to get outside the city and into a natural setting. I got a lot of great photos, a few of which I've shared with you here. The last photo is at the Torres Family winery (about an hours drive away from the monastery) of the vineyard home built in the 1800's which is a good example of the "typical" Catalonian architecture. More perhaps on the winery at another time.

Higher resolution photos are available. Just ask, and please don't use these without permission, thanks.

Tengo hambre y voy a comer.

Happy Thanksgiving (to my U.S. readers) from Barcelona

2005-11-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of the facade of my new favorite restaurant "Unicornius" where I had my "Thanksgiving" meal today. It's a vegetarian, organic restaurant near the Rambla just off Taller street. There is no smoking, a nice atmosphere, and even lovely classical and/or jazz music playing softly in the background. I eat here quite often and like it a lot. If you have just the salad bar (all you can eat) and soup with a drink it is only about 7 Euros.

Of course they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Espana, and so I went to classes today as I will tomorrow.

I'm thankful for good health, friends, family (past and present), the freedom to choose where I live and whether I work, and for the simple things in life: food, laughter, a good movie, and sleep.

I signed up for a tour to see the Monstserrat and the wine factory this Saturday. It is an old monastery nestled high in the hills above the city which must have a spectacular view of Barcelona and the Mediterranean. I'll take pictures and try to share them with you, as well as give you interesting tidbits about the place in a few days.

From Barcelona I send you wishes for wonderful blessings, prosperity, and a bright future.

Placa Catalunya Hoy Hace Frio

2005-11-22T08:15:00.000-08:00

Skinny College Kid

2005-11-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym today and when I weighed myself I found that I've lost 8 lbs. since arriving in Barcelona. I now weigh 174 lbs (79 kg.) which is 8 lbs less than my 182 when I left and 14 lbs less than when I moved to West Hollywood and started with my trainer Josh.

I attribute the weight loss to a total change in lifestyle including eating habits and daily routines. When I was in the US I ate small meals every 2-4 hours and worked out regularly. In Barcelona, because of my school schedule I eat a normal breakfast (cereal with soy milk) at 8:15 a.m. then a small snack a couple hours later (an apple and a piece of bread) at noon, then at 2:30 or so I have my main meal of the day which is as much as I want to eat vegetarian in a restaurant including salad and soup. I've found when filling up at this meal, I don't really get hungry the rest of the day and so I rarely eat anything later except ocassionally I eat nuts (yeah yeah, I wish!). Plus I've only been working out about once a week, but I walk somewhere every day. The walking, eating less or no meat, and consuming less calories I'm sure have contributed to the weight loss. I've not weighed this little since college!

I think my waist size has dropped at least an inch or so. And I'm getting cruised a lot more by students, staff, men and women on the street. It's nice!

Today at the gym a very handsome, young (28 ish) guy with blonde hair helped me out at the counter when I was checking in. He translated the staff's spanish into perfect english for me (with a smile). I thanked him, and we exchanged smiles and glances throughout the rest of our workouts. If I was a brave soul I should of/would of talked to him. But..... sigh

On my way out of the gym a young woman at the counter spoke to me in American english and said "so you're from cali eh?" She was from New Jersey but was born in Spain and had returned and was now working in the gym. Although a citizen of Spain, she was raised in the US and had a resident visa there. She has been here six months and is thinking she really wants to go back to the US. She could not put into words why she wanted to return. Barcelona is wonderful she said, but the culture, and subleties here just don't work for her. She feels misunderstood, and is frustrated that she can not express herself in the local language as well as she can back home in English. Things just aren't the same here, she said.

It is difficult for Americans in Barcelona. There are the cultural differences, prejudices against Americans in general (due mostly to George Bush, and to the many Americans who travel expecting everyone else to speak English and to cater to their every demand), and the inability to communicate fully as we can in our own language. These are important considerations i need to think about while counterbalancing them against the positives: inexpensive living, good year-round weather, excellent transportation, culture, the Mediterranean, gay-friendliness, .....

I've been thinking about whether I stay beyond the end of my schooling. I've found a great web site Loquo.com which is the local Craigslist.com for Barcelona, and there are literally hundreds of postings daily for rentals. I realize now that housing will be fairly easy to obtain, and at an affordable price (from 300 euros for a room in a shared flat, to 700 - 1000 for my own flat).

Tomorrow morning I give an oral presentation of my "autobiography" in Spanish. I plan to tell the truth and tell the class (among other things) when I "came out of the closet" and announced to the world I was gay (at age 40). This should be interesting!

Hasta luego.

Gay bar "Punto" in Barcelona

2005-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

I finally made it out to a gay bar here in Barcelona. On Tuesday of this week the weather finally cleared, I'd finished my homework, had a couple glasses of wine, and decided to head out to the one bar (only bar?) I knew would be open for business before 10.00 P.M.

I hopped on the metro which is a couple short blocks from my student apartment and took the purple L2 line from Passeig de Gracia (near me) to Universitat and walked the few blocks to the bar Punto at c/Muntaner 63.

I walked in about 9 PM and was pleasantly surprised to see men scattered throughout the place. Most of the guys were in their late 20's to late 30's with a smattering of guys in their 40's. It was the guys in their 40's who all tried to make eye contact with me. I ordered a beer and had a hard time understanding how much it was (in Spanish). It turned out to only be 2.5 euros for the beer.

I sat at a small table away from the bar (and smokers) to relax and take in the scene. The boys there were relaxed and either enjoying their drink alone, or a few were with friends and enjoying each other's company. Two guys were already very drunk and could barely stand. Unfortunately, the two drunks both tried to flirt with me but I resisted eye contact. One however made his way over and sat down next to me and introduced himself. We had as much a conversation as possible considering my Spanish and he attempted to touch me wherever and whenever possible. I laughed heartily and removed his hand every time. I wanted to be nice to the first gay man I met in Barcelona, and so I was very pleasant and polite during our exchange. He suggested we go to the bar Dietrich which I've heard about and wanted to visit so I agreed and we left. When we arrived the bar was closed (it opens at 11.00 but it was still not time) and I was disappointed. Knowing I needed to get up early in the morning for class I told the guy I needed to leave and he kept insisting I stay. He wanted to make out on the sidewalk in front of Dietrich but I was not the least interested in doing so. It was quite sad actually. I got the feeling the man wanted to be seen by his "friends" making out with a handsome stranger so he could feel good and impress his friends. I did not want to play the role, and I left for home.

This Saturday night I plan to go to a gay club that is nearby. I hope this gives me a flavor of the gay scene in Barcelona. Finally. I'll let you know how it goes. Manana, more classes. Until next time.

That's how things look tonight from Barcelona.

Learning a new language is FUCKING HARD!

2005-11-14T09:32:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow I'm learning a lot of shit. They really pour it on in this language school.

I'm beginning my fourth week and we've learned the present, past and future tenses, and a lot of shit I should have learned in school about English but didn't and so I couldn't even repeat it here for you. In high school I did TERRIBLE in Spanish and here I am again learning it. I am doing much better this time around (understanding more) but I am still in the bottom quartile (in my opinion) of my class. It's just so fucking hard for me to get. It takes a long time to grasp.

For example we've learned how to speak the different forms of verbs such as the verb "to have."

In English you say:

I have: (Spanish: tengo)
I am having: (teniendo)
I had: (he tenido)
I'm going to have: (soy a tener)
I will have: yo tendre
I would have: yo tendria

How nuts is that?!

They keep pouring on new words every day and I have difficulty keeping up with the new vocabulary more than I do learning the new concepts. I can conjugate a verb just great, but recalling the verbs (and nouns, adjectives, prepositions, and ....) themselves is a challenge for me.

But "un poco un poco" - little by little I learn more Spanish.

It's been raining every day in Barcelona over the past week or so. Thunderstorms and periodic heavy rain. There's usually a break in the afternoon to go for a walk to have lunch or whatever.

With my health improved I'm beginning to think beyond the day. Will I stay past January and explore Europe before returning to the States? Or will I go "home" (although I'm technically homeless) as planned on my scheduled flight. I'm finding there are many possibilities for renting an affordable flat in or outside the city that would provide me a base from which I can explore the city and surrounding areas and the rest of Europe. It makes sense to do this while I'm already here even though I would technically be "illegal." I've not visited Sitges yet, but that seems like a good place to think about as it is a gay resort town, in a natural setting (the beach), has a gay nightlife, etc.

Adios for now, back to my studies.

The Preacher Who Violated

2005-11-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Saw the face of a man in the paper
the kind of face you wish you could forget
he was a preacher -- one who spoke with confidence

i was a kid who wanted to be the teachers pet
never forgot the preacher and what he did to me
never would deal with it but secrets just don't keep

never forgot the preacher who violated me
how can there be any good come from me?
he was a moral man who loved his wife and kids
he preached himself an example in all he said and did

i was old enough to know i had desire
i was young enough to believe an easy liar
never forgot the preacher and what he did to me
never would deal with it but secrets just don't keep
never forgot the preacher who violated me
how can there be any good come from me?

oh the feelings, will they ever go?
oh the memories will they ever show...
the pain i have had
the strength i now have
wholly and fully feeling
wholly and fully seeing
am i fully free?

"caught and hemmed in" is what the paper said
off to jail he now preaches from his cell
i forgive him what happened long ago

but forgiveness is not a word but a life that I chose

never forgot the preacher and what he did to me
never would deal with it but secrets just don't keep
never forgot the preacher who violated me,
won't forget, won't regret what he did to me

won't forget what he did to me.

Jallen Rix
album: The Sacred and the Queer
"What the Preacher Did to Me"

Gay American in Barcelona

2005-11-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

Being an internationally aware citizen of the world, I realize how stupid it is to say I'm "American." "American" could mean I'm from north, central, or south america, right? Most people from the U.S. never think of this. But I digress already.

If you're a reader of my old webiste "I'm Gay, So What?" you know that I came out of the closet very late (at age 40) and my first real "long-term" relationship with a guy was with Ricardo who I met while on vacation in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. Ricardo now lives with his new boyfriend in Amsterdam. Ricardo and I stay in touch via email and he is on my list of recipients who get updates of my adventures abroad. Ricardo refered me to a good friend of his who happens to live in Barcelona and is gay. He hoped we would get together and that his friend would introduce me to the gay life and culture here. I thought that was very thoughtful of him....

Being quite shy, I nervously called this friend of Ricardo's and got voice mail. I left a nervous message inviting the man to return my call or email me and I expressed hope we could get together and I would like to treat him to dinner to celebrate his recent birthday.

I called him last Tuesday and I've not heard from him. If I was more agressive I would of/should of, called him again. In fact I spoke with Ricardo this week and he suggested I do just that.

But I've not called him back. I suppose I will, but I just don't feel like stalking some guy I don't even know.

I really do need to give Gay Barcelona a try. I understand it is fabulous, and that the Spanish culture is such that age is not an issue like is in the States. In the U.S. I feel quite OLD. But supposedly here in Spain my age is irrelevant. I like the concept but I'll believe it when I experience it.

As an older gay man, I'm still pretty fortunate. While I am 49, I still have a good physique (32" waist, 6'1", 179 lbs., lean and muscled, a mostly-full head of hair still mostly dark brown (some grey starting to show)). So when I mention I am "retired" to people in school for example, I get strange looks and comments like I am way too young to be retired. Which I appreciate of course.

Okay, so it is 8 p.m. in Barcelona. I'm considering going out for the first time to brave the gay bars here. This means I will need to take a nap and then proceed to the bars after midnight if I want to find more than one or two people in the bars. Most of the activity takes place between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. Will I make it? We'll see.

That's how things look tonight from Barcelona, Spain.

Hola PeopleSoft

2005-11-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hola to my regular reader from PeopleSoft. Just a quick note to let you know I worked at PS for three years as a project manager. Maybe you already knew that. Anyway, hello and I hope you enjoy my adventures. Drop me a note if you want: thatgaybloggerguy@hotmail.com

Sarah's Voice

2005-11-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction
or a beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
they may be empty
or they're weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel
far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endless looks that you feel

you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent revelry
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight life
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twistin'
keep on buildin' the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier that you believe
in this sweet madness
oh this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

in the arms of the angel
far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endless looks that you feel

you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent revelry
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Angel
Sarah McLachlan
Surfacing

and that's what I hear today from Barcelona

until next time

Gay Classical Music

2005-11-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

Before I left the States for Espana, I bought an Ipod and recorded most of my hundreds of CD's so I would not have to bring them here with me. Right now, while watching the stock market (it's 7:30 pm here in BCN but 10:30 in LA) I'm listening to the "gay classics" from gay composers Copland, Dawn, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Bernstein, Barber, Finale-Saint-Saens, Schubert, Britten. Yes my friends, they were all gay.

Hasta luego.

El principe azul - The perfect person

2005-11-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

The teacher asked me (in spanish) does the perfect person exist? I said no way.

She proceeded to go around the room asking what the physical and personality characteristics were of the perfect person for each student. The idea was we would respond in Spanish with the description of the perfect person.

The two young male estudiantes were uncomfortable with the question and dodged the answer.

The teacher and Carlotta were egging me on to describe the "perfect woman" that I wanted. Finally the teacher asked for "famous people" who embodied the perfect person. She looked right at me and insisted I answer. I said Brad Pitt. I flushed a little and did not dare look around the room. Carlotta did not look at me and the teacher just looked right at me and smiled without flinching.

Later Carlotta looked at me and laughed again. I think she thinks I was playing with the class when I said Brad Pitt.

Oh Jesus! I guess I may as well just say it in class that "Soy gay" Si, "Soy estadounidense, vivo en Los Angeles, soy jubilado." I'm American, I live in L.A. and I'm retired. I just need to add the part that says "I'm gay."

Temple de Sagrada Familia

2005-11-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

What a difference a few days make! I'm finally feeling completely recovered and now I am alive again. I see with my eyes and experience with my senses the sights, sounds and sensations of Barcelona. I'm laughing with my fellow students, enjoying the learning experience, noticing more the amazing architecture and sites Barcelona has, and I get out more to see all this amazing city has to offer. I'm feeling many different emotions and sensations as I allow myself the freedom to be.

I've found a routine that works:

7:30 a.m. Get up and get ready for the day. Have breakfast.
9:00 - 1:00 Classes.
1:30 Lunch. A big and healthy one. Makes due for the rest of the day. This is a big change for me. In the U.S. I would eat about every 3 hours or 4 times a day. This is supposedly healthy for you, but here in Barcelona, it works for me to have one big meal and then I'm done for the day! I may get hungry later and if so I eat some fruit or nuts.
2:00 - 6:00 Check email, check my investments, go to the gym (2-3x a week), visit the city or go on a tour, do homework.
6:00 - 10:00 p.m. Monitor the business news and the U.S. stock market. I plan to start doing more visiting and social activities during this time.

Today in class our teacher handed out photos of exotic and weird people and we were supposed to take on the persona of the person in the photo and with our backs to our partner we talked in Spanish describing ourselves to the other person. It was to simulate Internet "chat." For example, I would say in Spanish I am tall, have brown hair, etc. based on the photo we were given. My photo was of a transvestite in a leather outfit. The girl next to me saw my picture and thought it was soooo funny she started to laugh and could not stop. She was laughing so hard she could not control herself! It was so absolutely hilarious. The girl's name is Carlotta and she is Italian. I have not come out to anyone in my class, but have no problem doing so if the question ever comes up. I don't know what Carlotta was thinking was so funny, but it was infectious and fun.

My "partner" was Carl from Sweden. He is so typically Swedish: blonde hair, blue eyes and very handsome. He works at the Swedish embassy in Barcelona. He is 28. We had fun today.

Okay, so what about Sagrada Familia? The school sponsored a tour of the symbol of Barcelona today and I decided to go. We met at the temple/church and were guided by Raul who was so very handsome I had a hard time concentrating on what he said. He was so thoroughly knowledgable of the Sagrada Familia, and it was interesting to hear his explanations both in Spanish and English. His English was good. And his eyes green. His teeth ever so white. His hair black. His beard about 3 days growth. When he looked at me I thought I would fall right into his soul. I tried my best not to stare. He may have been in his late 20's or up to his late 30's but it was hard to tell. He had a smattering of grey hair throughout his head but it must have been premature. Interestingly, I found that I actually understood a lot of what he was saying in Spanish! To me, this is amazing in and of itself.

Where the fuck are the pictures you are saying. I promise I will eventually post pictures. I have purposefully not been carrying my camera around because I did not want to look like the other American tourists who carry their cameras around.

Here's a quick synopsis of what I remember about the Sagrada Familia:

The temple construction began in 1882 and one year later Antoni Gaudi was appointed the project director. He personally worked on the project over 40 years.
Gaudi only saw the first of three fascades before he died of an accident. He was run over by a cable car. His plans for the project continue today.
It could take 35 to 150 years to finish the project, depending on who you ask.
Two of the three fascades have been built and the third is under construction. Each of the three fascades has (or will have) four towers, each representing the 12 apostles.
When the project is finished there will be two more towers taller than all the rest in the center of the structure. Those will be of Mary and Jesus. Jesus of course will be the highest tower about twice the height of the apostle's towers.
The oldest fascade faces East where the sun rises and shines on it. This fascade represents life and is dedicated to the birth of Jesus, and to Mary and Joseph.
All of the construction is based on Gaudi's appreciation and knowledge of nature which he learned and observed while growing up. The colors (all natural, no paint or colors), the structure (the columns branch out like trees at the tops), the staircases (they spiral like a sea shell), and more, are all representations of nature. On the East fascade there are depictions of the birth of Jesus, the killing of all babies under a certain age by the Romans, Joseph and his carpentership, Mary, and more.
The West fascade, where the Sun (or Son?) sets (or "dies") is where the last days of Jesus are portrayed. For example, the Last Supper, the Crucifiction, Betrayal, and Ascension are all portrayed here. The columns that support this fascade look like tree trunks and at the same time look like bones, symbolizing death.
A nearby street called Calle de Antoni Gaudi is the only street in Barcelona that runs North/South. Gaudi believed that energy runs from North to South and so this street runs right into the only "opening" (I don't know quite what that is) in the church, which is to allow the energy to enter it.
Gaudi was buried in the underground premises below the only functioning chapel in the "under construction" facility. I tried to go see his tomb, but it was closed.

That's what I recall from the tour. I can not attest to the accuracy of it all, so don't sue me if it's incorrect.

We climbed the stairs of the East fascade and it was quite an ascension. From the many portals along the way we could see the entire skyline of the city. At one point I asked Raul what was the tall structure in the distance (the thing that looks like a penis the size of the Empire State Building). His reply was that some people think it is a tribute to the male anatomy, but he let us know it was the building of the water company that supplies water to the city. I forget who the architect was, but I loved his answer, as he looked at me with his white teeth and green eyes.

Priorities

2005-11-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

I found that my schedule of six hours a day of classes from 9.00 a.m. to 3 p.m. daily was too much (demasiado). The first four hours are instruction, and the last two are conversation with a native speaking teacher. I decided I needed the afternoon to eat, study, and check my email and investments on the computer. And so I did that this week and it made a world of difference. Now I have a routine of going to a great health food restaurant nearby where you get all you can eat of both a salad (serve yourself with every great thing under the sun), and hot foods (I usually get the stewed lentil soup). Along with that you get all the deserts, coffee, etc. you want, but I usually only partake in the salad and soup, which is plenty. All this for 7.80 Euros. I make this my main meal of the day and find I don't need anything else but a small snack the rest of the day. Very healthy and economical. After lunch I head back to my room to do homework, review my notes from class for the day, and check my email. The U.S. stock markets open 3.30 my time and I monitor that for the rest of the day, or I might head out and explore the city.

I had a bit of a relapse on the chest infection and went back on the antibiotics. It may be the cigarette smoke that is everywhere in Barcelona that is conspiring against my getting completely well. But today I feel well.

Last weekend I walked to the Bari Gotic and checked out the old architecture and the narrow pedestrian streets, and the Cathedral. As I walked the narrow streets I imagined what it must have been like before the automobile and saw horse-driven carriages passing casually through the narrow brick/cobblestone streets as pedestrians with big hats courteously scampered out of the way. I saw people laughing and saying hello to each other. Then a whiff of someone's cigarette smoke brought me back to reality. But the charm of the streets is still very much evident and alive. I can see why this part of the city is many people's (gente) favorite.

I visited the cathedral during the afternoon hours which apparently is the "not" free time. During these hours they charge visitors to help collect funds to restore the old place. I decided it was worth the 4 or so Euros to go in when it was convenient and probably less crowded. And it was worth it. It was like many old European cathedrals I've seen, but this one had an inside, open-air, courtyard with a garden and geese. Inside one of the small courtyard ancillary chapels I heard some beautiful music which at first I thought was being piped in through a sound system, but it turned out to be a very talented musician playing his guitar outside the church walls on one of the narrow streets surrounding the cathedral. Later, after leaving the cathedral I saw him and paused to listen for a while and then dropped a Euro in his guitar case before moving on. But before I left the cathedral I took the elevator to the top of the cathedral where they have outdoor pedestrian observation decks (much like at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris). Although the views were not as spectacular as Paris, it did give me an interesting perspective of Barcelona, and I could see the Mediterranean.

I worked out at a local gym this past week. This is the first time I've exercised since leaving the U.S. While working out I saw a whole lot of very hot looking guys! I also saw a row of about 10 televisions each with a different station that you can tune into through various radio frequencies. Which station do you think caught my eye? Not the soap opera where two lovers, nude, were making love (although I did pause there a minute or so), but rather the giraffes that were obviously being intimate with each other. Not sexually, but gently nudging and showing affection for each other. It was then and there that I remembered how much I loved nature and animals as a child. I decided that my next Barcelona destination would be the zoo.

Today I went to the Barcelona zoo. I walked from my room in the school on Gran Via to Via Laietana and down through the Bari Gotic, worked my way to the Mercat del Santa Caterina which was filled with people. I bought an apple from one of the hundreds of vendors and proceeded away from the crowds on towards the zoo. Without a map and just following my instincts, I ended up passing by the Picasso Museum and made a mental note of where it was. I proceeded in the direction I knew the zoo was and passed by an interesting structure that turned out to be an ancient site called Born. Inside this giant structure they have preserved the ancient ruins of the city as it was over 400 year ago. The information there said this was the only place in all of Europe that had such a site preserved for posterity. They are planning to renovate the site and make it a museum that shows what the old homes, streets and markets looked like in "ancient" times. I proceeded only a few blocks and saw the entrace to the park and the zoo. A frantic American passed by asking anyone who would listen "Excuse me! Do you know where the Picasso Museum is?! It closes in five minutes and I have to get there!" Seeing that I was the only person in ear shot who could help him, I pointed him in the right direction.

The zoo was pretty cool. I was the only person there who was alone, and without a coat or sweater. Everyone else had a jacket, a sweater, a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, and (most with) a baby with a stroller. It was not exactly cold, but it would have been a good idea for me to have something besides a t-shirt. But it was o.k. I enjoyed seeing the animals, and seeing the Spanish translation for them all. I had a bocadillo atun (tuna sandwich) and a vino tinto (red wine) near the end of my visit in the zoo and made my way out of the zoo and through the City Park (Parc de la Ciutadella) which is beautiful and magnificent in its own right. I made my way down the long stretch of walkway through the park towards what looked reminiscent of the Arc de Triomf in Paris, and sure enough it was the "Arc del Triomf" in Barcelona! I instinctively made my way on foot to my own neighborhood and arrived just as my local grocery store was opening and bought myself a bottle of local vino and returned to my room at the school.

OK, so priority number 1 is: I need more time for myself, and so I've cancelled my conversation classes in the afternoon. Priority number two is a bit more complicated.

I'm gay, and so I thought I needed to find the "gay area" and gay bars to try and mix with the local gays and meet other gay people. I've tried twice now to wander through what is supposedly the "gay" area and I've not found much of anything. It's probably because I go too early (i.e., before 1 a.m.) and frankly, I don't really want to meet someone in a smoke filled bar! I am much too old for this and I decided that I can use my time and energy in other ways.

So I learned of an English speaking "club" that meets in Barcelona for social and cultural activities where Spanish and English speaking people get together to meet. On Tuesday nights they have conferences where a speaker presents different topics. For instance the next few Tuesdays are: "Domestic Violence," "global warming," and "the trend of more and more people living alone." I've decided to attend these sessions. They should be interesting and maybe I will meet some nice people.

A peek inside my soul

2005-11-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hola from Barcelona. This is a copy of an email I just sent to the wonderful woman who is taking care of my cat while I'm away. I replied to her very witty and open/honest email she sent to me.

Dear ----:

You crack me up! I'm absolutely certain you would be the life of any party! Any party would not be one without you present.

Isn't it a shame there are so many prejudices in the world? I never thought about what you might be going through as a widow. It's so silly! As an "older" gay man, I have my own issues. The gay culture is very much into youth (as is much of our society) and being 49 and single it is hard for me "catch" the boys like I used to. I don't have the wit and charm that you do; I used to rely on my good looks alone, but that won't work anymore! So I need to come up with some more tricks.

Part of why I came to Barcelona was to begin the journey to "find" myself. I don't know what I'll find but so far I'm beginning to think I am not necessarily a city boy. I love nature, animals, the stars, spiritual things. Crowds, noise, smoke, pollution, cement, traffic, don't fall into those categories very well. So would I be more content living in a forest or on a river or someplace like that? I don't know! Damn, I guess I'll have to try all kinds of places before I know where I want to settle. Or maybe I will never settle down, and remain a gypsie of the world.

As for finding Cafe Americaine, no I've not found it yet. Will I? I don't know. I always seem to find it when I'm in the "no smoking" California bars, but here? One step inside a bar and my sinuses are blocked and I can't breathe! Help!?

I'm glad you are taking care of Mr. Kitty. He is a wonderful person, and I'm glad you can keep each other company.

Take care,

Flu in Barcelona

2005-10-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry to report I did not get out to see much of Barcelona since my last report, as I came down with a pretty bad case of the flu and/or viral infection. I got sick over last weekend and by Monday morning when classes began I was in an awful state. But as fate would have it, there was a doctor in my class of six students and he helped me through the worst of it. It went to my chest and became infected, but between the doctor and help from the teachers on what to ask for at the pharmacy I made it through the week! Needless to say, school was about all I could handle this week and so did not get out to explore.

It is a pretty rigorous schedule. Start school at 9:00 a.m., break for 30 minutes at 10:45, then break again for 10 minutes at 1:00. Go from 1:10 to 3:00. During the two brief breaks I attempt to scarf down some food so I don't starve to death. I study at least four hours a day after school is out. I'm not sure I'll keep that up in the weeks ahead.

Despite not feeling well, I did learn a lot in my first week. We're already conjugating verbs, and yes, speaking complete sentences. Spanish is amazing -- for every fricking verb, there are six possible ways to say the word (and this only in present tense). So for instance the verb "to have" is TENER, and depending on who the verb is refering to can be tengo, tienes, tiene, tienemos, tieneis, and tienen. FOR EVERY VERB! Anyway, I expect when I'm finally done here I will be able to speak a few sentences!

Feeling better the past couple days I did get out to find a great vegetarian/health food restaurant with a great soup/salad bar just off the la Rambla. I found it on the internet then went looking for it. Today I took a ride on the train to the beach to say hello to the Mediterranean. I was looking for the gay beach and using the gay European guide, but their directioins suck big time! I think the guy who wrote the Barcelona section was faking it. Anyway the trains here are way cool. The Sea was nice to see (ha) as well. I picked a lonely bench to sit on and meditated on the Mediterranean.

I think it will be hard for me to get into the night life here. For one thing, the bars don't start to get hopping until after midnight. The clubs after 2 a.m. And they are all filled with cigarette smoke. Everyone it seems smokes here, and the smoke is driving me crazy since I am allergic to it. So I am exploring activities and clubs I can join as a way to meet other people in the city. I'm not going to make friends in the school, as they are mostly all pimply-faced college kids, and they come and go all the time. One of my teachers is bringing in a list of english speaking clubs she knows about, as well I found one on the internet which I will explore.

There is one young blonde boy from Germany who I think may be gay and has given me the eye a few times. And there's a young girl in his group of friends who has been flirting with me as well. But I've been way too sick this past week to even think about any of that.

Until later, hasta luego.

Hello From Barcelona!

2005-10-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling particularly creative at the moment, but I felt like an update was in order.

I arrived in Barcelona late Wednesday afternoon local time, which in L.A. the time was about 6 in the morning. Although the flight in first class from San Francisco to Frankfurt was comfortable, as usual I was not able to sleep a wink. However the Melatonin I took seemed to work wonders, because I felt as if I had slept and was able to make it the rest of the day just fine until it was time to hit the sack local time.

I had a few mishaps along the way, like nearly missing my connection in San Francisco, and not checking my bags all the way to Barcelona (they stopped in Frankfurt and I had to get them, then recheck them), but all-in-all I got here safely and secure. I'd hate to think about getting here any other way than I did.

I spent the past three days getting adjusted to the local time (nine hours later), and figuring out how to get the necessities of life (food, water, alchohol, sleep). They say in Barcelona everyone eats dinner very late (around 10) and if you go out drinking or to the gay bars it is after midnight. I've not been able to do that yet. I usually have a light dinner anyway, and I've been asleep by 10 every night I've been here! I need more time to adjust to that local tradition.

I've walked the La Rambla, taken the la turistic bus around town, and today I rode the very easy to use Metro to Park Guell where I visited the casa de Gaudi where he lived from about 1906 to 1926. Gaudi is the famous architect who is responsible for many of the famous modernistic buildings in the city including the "under contstruction" Sagrada Familia which is gigantic, beautiful and probably what Barcelona is most famous for. The park itself was actually once the grounds of a rich family and their beautiful home. It was crowded with tourists on this very beautiful sunny day. The weather has been so fantastic I've been walking around in shorts and a t-shirt and been very comfortable. The air was clear and lovely, and the view from the park was spectacular. You can see the entire city of Barcelona and the Mediterranean from its many viewpoints. I heard people speaking English (mostly British), Italian, and some Japanese. There are very few Americans here. Or if they're here, they are all sleeping and only come out at night because of the huge time adjustment. In fact I heard some British girls giggling about some American girls they met who were in fact at the time I was there, sleeping.

I must go back to the park on another spectacular day like today and take some pictures. Today however, I did not want to lug my camera along with me. These first days are devoted to getting acquainted with the city with they eyes of my body, not the eyes of my camera. I will post pictures eventually.

I am struck by how white and European everyone looks. I was expecting the Spanish to look, well, darker. If I spoke fluent Spanish, I could be mistaken for a local (well maybe not, I think someone put a target on my back that says "I'm American")! And everyone dresses casually around town, which is not what some friends told me. They told me that the Spanish tend to dress up, but I've found that everyone walking around (albeit they may mostly be tourists like me) are dressed pretty casually.

It's Saturday night in Barcelona, but I'm not going to brave the gay bar scene tonight. I feel much to intimidated, and OLD to do that right now. I'm afraid of rejection, and I won't be able to communicate effectively with anyone. Instead I am going to rest up the rest of the weekend and prepare myself for my Monday 8 a.m. placement test where I will be placed in my appropriate level of course (probably beginner) and then start my six hour Spanish language regimen at 9:00 a.m. I'll be doing 30 hours/week classes for the next two months, then 2 weeks off for the holidays and then back for two more weeks.

T Minus 4 days til liftoff

2005-10-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited about leaving for Barcelona. Although I don't tell them, the answer is truthfully "no, not really."

I know myself, and when Tuesday comes around and I'm through the airport security and my bags are checked and I'm sitting in my luxurious first class seat on a jumbo jet to Germany (my first stop in Europe) THEN I'll be excited. For now I'm passing the days and doing what I can each day to make them the most. The "most" is getting to the gym every day, eating healthy (I'm switching to vegetarian, I don't want to be remotely responsible for contributing to the cruelty of animals and besides it's healthy and less expensive), and reading through as many of the books I've retained so I don't have to pack them to Spain. I still don't have room in my luggage for everything, and so I need to somehow make room. I donated yet more clothing to charity to the point now I have hardly any clothes at all! And still I won't be sure until tomorrow when I do a practice run of packing if I have enough space yet.

Tonight is my final "goodbye party" with some good friends (mostly all straight -- I never did meet any gay friends while here in WEHO for 2.5 years, how sad). We're meeting at the Abbey for drinks and food. Tomorrow my friend S. picks me up from the hotel and takes me to where he is house sitting in Brentwood. I hang out there for a couple days and then he takes me to LA International where I say bye-bye to L.A.

Quintessential L.A.

2005-10-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

I just got back from dinner at The Ivy with three actors. Two are working actors, meaning they actually make money at their trade, and the third wants to be in acting but for now is selling real estate. In fact the third is the realtor who represented me in the sale of my successfully closed condo. My realtor treated us all to dinner tonight!

The Ivy is a cool restaurant on Robertson that is frequented by famous actors and gets stalked by the poperazzi. In fact as we were just leaving, one could feel the eyes on our party checking us out and wondering "are they someone?" and "who are those people?" In fact as we were waiting for our car to come around, apparently some young actor from Arrested Development was just getting into his Porche. I say "apparently" because I was totally oblivious that anyone famous was anywhere near, as I talked to one of the lovely ladies in my party. It wasn't until my realtor was driving me to my "hotel" that he told me about the actor sighting. Neither one of us could remember the name of the guy (sorry star-stalkers!)

The whole evening was "so L.A." Gossip about actors who are in rehab (but "shhh" you're not supposed to know that.....), Merv Griffin is gay (apparently this is widely known, but HELL I never knew it until tonight), shaving body hair, waxing, plastic surgery, restaurants that are cool to go to, blah blah blah.

Last night I had dinner with family (or what's left of them) at La Boheme restaurant which is arguably one of the top ten restaurants in L.A. for my "retirement/going away" party. We sat in a booth on the first level and dinner was sooooo good and the wine even better. I was a little nervous about the dinner because I wasn't sure if my sister and I would be nice to each other. We were, and it turned out to be a fine evening. The young, gorgious waiters even did a little bit of flirting with me (or so I'd like to think). I commented on how I thought one of the guys was "cute" and my sister commented that she thought he was keen on me. I accepted that, and fantasized about having an affair with him the rest of the night.

Both my escrow and my Mom's escrow closed on the same day. Is that strange? I am very happy that those closings are behind me and the money is in the bank. I was kinda worried there would be an earthquake or a terrorist attack or some strange thing to screw up the closings. I believe the real estate market has topped out for now, and if things fell out of escrow I did not think I'd get full price again. As it turns out we got full price on my place and my Mom's place. Who the hell pays $439,000 for a ONE BEDROOM condo? That's what I got for mine.

You think I'm paranoid? The day before I was to sign loan documents to refinance my condo in Calabasas 14(?) years ago, the "Northridge Earthquake" hit and my condo was totaled. It was immediately red-tagged and uninhabitable.

The day before "911" I had two offers on my 3000 sq. ft. home in Reno which would not have happened if they had waited a day or two and I would have been screwed.

The day after I moved into my condo in Malibu (and I had not even purchased home insurance yet) there was a fire that swept through Malibu and I had to evacuate my place and watch helplessly as the fire approached. I watched from the highway as it burned passed, and I could feel the heat and felt the panic and horror as I realized I could lose my home in an instant, and without insurance! Everything turned out okay.

Only nine days left until I leave for my new life in Barcelona.

In Between Time

2005-10-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

I just saw Jai Rodriquez of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fame at the Starbucks in West Hollywood. Actually I saw him walking earlier on the Boulevard with his two young friends but did not realize who he was. I dipped in to check my mail and then proceeded to Starbucks to read for a bit when I heard someone say to a young man "Hi! You're Jai's roommate, right?" And he answered yes. It was then I realized that Jai was right there, and we made eye contact. We did a few more times actually, until he and his friends left.

I officially closed escrow on my condo yesterday at Noon! I am soooo relieved. And now I am in a cheap but decent hotel still within my neighborhood where I can walk to everything including my gym, Trader Joe's, Starbucks, etc. Today I grabbed a bus and went to Whole Foods and had a organic salad for lunch, before proceeding back to Weho and seeing Jai. In the mail was a gift from my new friends Bonnie and Mike from Florida that I met in Ajijic Mexico -- they sent me a great map of Barcelona and a guide book.

In about 45 minutes I head over to Westwood near UCLA to meet up with one of my Tuesday night drinking buddies, K., where we will get together for one of our last happy hours together. Then tomorrow night it's dinner at La Boheme in West Hollywood with my sister, niece and her boyfriend. It's supposed to be my "going away/retirement" bash with family, but somehow I ended up getting roped into paying the whole bill. That's another story for another time. Sunday I have dinner at an equally elegant restaurant (forgot the name for now, tell ya later) with my real estate agent and my old next door neighbor to celebrate the sale of our condos. Tuesday I have lunch with an old work friend, Tuesday night drinks with yet another friend, and then Friday night is my retirement bash with my closest friends. Sunday I head over to where my good friend S. is house sitting and stay with him for a couple days and then I head off to BARCELONA on the following Tuesday!

Hey Jai, wanna come sleep with me tonight and give me something as a going away present?

Everything's Gone

2005-10-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

All my furniture was carted away last Thursday. This morning I sold my refrigerator and microwave to two seperate Craig's list buyers. I've either sold, donated or given away most of my possessions. The few things I AM keeping are in boxes and stored at my niece's place.

Tonight Kitty goes to his new home. I think this is going to be hard for me. We've been together since he was 3 months old -- 16 years. Right now he's sleeping peacfully at my feet, although he knows something is up... he got pretty upset when all the furniture disappeared. He no longer has a bed or couch to sleep on or hide behind. So he sleeps on his favorite place, my chest. I sleep on a camping matress and a sheet and blanket, and he sleeps on top of that. And we both dream together.

After Kitty, one more trip from my niece's boyfriend Monday to take a few things like the barbecue and some plants and one more box. Then Tuesday I move into a hotel and clean the apartment. Wednesday we close escrow.

My mom's place is coincidentally closing escrow one day before mine.

Don't be surprised if there's an earthquake or some natural disaster shortly after my place closes escrow, or even after I leave the country. Whenever there is a huge change or a new chapter in my life, almost always there is a huge natural event in either the old or the new place I'm moved to.

Stay tuned.

Into the West

2005-09-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

I rewatched the Lord of the Rings trilogy last night. Even before the movies ever came out, the Lord of the Rings is arguably my favorite book(s) of all time. I've read them several times, and when I was reading them the first time while in college, I was so into them, I remember waking my roomates up one night because I was yelling in my sleep "into the deep dark forest!" as I dreamed of the flight from the Shire, through Bree and into the rest of Middle Earth. I never heard the end of that one.

Hearing the last song "Into the West" from Annie Lennox as the credits play is one of the most emotionally packed moments I have experienced. I remember hearing the song the first time in the theatre and thinking "I must get this song" and I did eventually run out and buy an album by Annie Lennox, but it did not have the song I was hoping it would (Medusa). Well last night, I made sure to watch the credits and make note of the name of the song, because I was determined to find the song and then play it as I take off from the USA to head towards my new life in Europe. I won't be heading West, but the theme and mood of the song has chosen itself to be my new "theme song" as I begin my new journeys. I just returned from the music store and bought the soundtrack from the final movie "The Return of the King" and Annie's song is on it. I now can play the song in my headphones when I leave the country and ball my eyes out (trust me I'm not kidding, I pitty the poor flight attendants in first class who have to deal with a blobbering, bawling emotional basket case that day!).

Here are the lyrics for the song:

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
Dream -- of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time

Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Living my nightmare

2005-09-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

For more than 20 years I've had repeated dreams where I am moving and I get stuck in slow motion and I can't get everything packed, or I don't have any help to move the big stuff. I'm frozen and unable to finish packing and moving because there is just too much and it all overwhelms me.

Yet, after making my decision to sell everything and go to Barcelona, I had a dream recently where for the first time ever, all my stuff was packed and gone, and my apartment I was vacating was completely empty! This is pretty significant as far as my dreams go, and it felt good.

But at the moment, I'm living in my nightmares. Everything I own is strewn all over the floor of my apartment with the hopes I can sell it all. I had a moving sale yesterday, but it was not very successful. I advertised in Craig's List but not many people came. I will try again next Saturday. Everything $1 - All must go.

My niece's fiance is coming over in the morning with his truck to take the things I've packed up to keep/store. That amounts to five boxes, some artwork, and a trash can full of earthquake preparedness stuff (camping equipment, survival things). Pretty good to narrow a lifetime of goods down to that, eh? I've been narrowing my posessions down now for at least 10 years, since the Northridge earthquake took a bunch of my stuff, then I moved 12 times since then. Everytime I move I get rid of more stuff, to where I am now down to all my posessions in the size of a small one bedroom apartment. Still, it seems like so much and is overwhelming!

After the storage things are packed up, I get ready to go to see the King Tut exhibition at the LACMA. I think it will be an interesting day!

Clean bill of health

2005-09-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

My tests all came back and I'm healthy as can be! The blood work, the stress test, everything turned up good. I have a healthy heart, liver, kidneys, and prostrate! Nice to know since my C-reative protein was supposedly over 8 last time and this time it was .8 (point 8). It is considered healthy to be under 1. So last time was either a lab error, or all the mega-dosing I did the two weeks before this last test paid off. We'll never know, but all I know is I'm healthy and ready to live the next phase of my exciting life.

My journal found me

2005-09-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

I received a call tonight. It was my journal calling. Or I should say the bar where I left it. They called the 82 year old lady Joelle (I think in Oregon?) that I met while in Ajijic and she gave them my phone number! Joelle wrote her address and email down on a piece of paper and I stuck it in my journal, as I promised to mail her back a book she let me borrow. Sad thing is, I've not communicated with her once since I left Mexico, and now she gets a call from someone in a gay bar in West Hollywood asking her if she knew someone who.... Who WHAT?! My name was not in the journal, so they must have read some of the journal to her and she figured out it was me?! Oh Jesus!

Anyway, my journal found me, and I know from whence I need to retrieve it. By the way the name of the bar is East-West, which is the name of the new bar I described in my last post! They are pretty classy to track me down and call me to let me know they have my journal!

Tomorrow:

Gym
Get parking permits from Sherrif station for moving sale
Create signs to post for moving sale
Laundry, and clean apartment

Thanks Joelle.

Celebration

2005-09-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

I sold the Beemer on Tuesday to a very happy young woman. And to celebrate the transfer of the car out of my name, and the deposit of a very hefty check into my account, I treated myself to lunch at Skewers in West Hollywood. And much unlike me in the middle of the day, I ordered a wine with lunch. I began journaling during lunch to try and get in touch with how I was feeling, since I'd not had much time to reflect or "feel" since I stopped working a week or so ago. That day, I did start to feel the reality that it was all happening -- that I was no longer working, that I was a free man, and that I could go or do anything my heart wanted to.

After that early wine, I wondered over to the Abbey and joined some nice folks at the bar for another, and another, and another glass of wine. By the time they all left, we were all best buddies. And by the time my friend S. called me and said he was on his way (oh? I forgot he was coming to visit me on Tuesday night!) it was 6 PM and I was talking to yet another guy and still drinking wine at the Abbey. And yet I managed to walk with my buddy (by now he'd caught up with me with his very strong vodka drinks) over to our favorite WEHO restaurant Cafe De'Etoille. We had a lovely dinner (and more wine) and eventually? headed over to the new bar which used to be the video bar _____? (oh my how my memory is going already!) but this new rendition of the bar is quite lovely, with nice sitting spaces and an ambiance where you can hear and talk. We managed to get home, and S. crashed on my couch, poor boy had to go to work the next morning! Ouch.

And now I can't seem to find my journal. Which bar did I leave it at? I'll have to go fishing tomorrow.

My car is sold. My furniture sold. Saturday I have a moving sale and get rid of as much of my household stuff as I can. Two weeks from today all my furniture gets taken away..... I still have to figure out what to do with Kitty, and where I will stay from close of escrow to leaving the country day.

Today I decided I needed an "artist date" and took myself to see a movie at the Grove in Beverly Hills. By "took myself" I mean I actually hopped on a Metro bus for the first time ever, and found my way over to the Grove. It was actually not that bad! The buses are clean, and air conditioned, and I could actually see surviving in L.A. on these buses, presuming one did not have to be anywhere in a hurry. Consequently, that is exactly who seems rides the buses, retired people, students and the unemployed (or so I'm guessing). It's a crap shoot as to how long it will be before the next bus comes around. But all in all it was not a bad experience!

Selling Everything

2005-09-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is my little hummingbird friend who guards the hummingbird feeder on my porch like his life depended on it.

The rest of the hummers in the hood like to try to steal a drink while he's not watching, but he's a pretty good guard, and it is not very often the others get a drink! It's fun watching the birds from my porch. The feeder is just beyond an arms length away from the chair I sit in, and it is quite amazing to watch.

On to more mundane things, my realtor had said he was interested in my BMW but was not willing to pay what I thought it was worth. He told me yesterday he was not going to buy it and so I spent last night researching the internet to be sure I knew what a good price was for the car. I determined that $27,800 would be the lowest price out there for my car, and was readying to post and advertise when my phone rang.

It was my dental hygienist's daughter who had heard I was selling my BMW and wanted to take a look at it! Well I just said goodbye to them and they will call this afternoon to let me know if they want to buy the car. I think they will. The price, $28,000. And I haven't even put a for sale sign up yet!

This afternoon I will begin posting my more expensive things on Craig’s list to see if I get some interest. With my luck as it is, I will probably have my whole household sold in a day. Then I'll be sitting around on the carpet for the rest of the month until I close escrow!

UPDATE.... Just got a call right as I was finishing this posting. I sold the CAR! WOW! That was the easiest sale I've ever had!

Hallelujah! YES! YES! YES!

Sale of condo and Mom's house

2005-09-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

My condo (pictured above) was appraised today and we're only a couple days away from closing all contingencies. Escrow closes on October 5th! Between now and then I need to sell the BMW and all my furnishings. I leave the country October 18th.

Just got news my Mom's house is back in escrow at a good price for 30 days. Cross your fingers.

I got a raise!

2005-09-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

Funny how things work.

If I'd known I had a great raise coming, would I have retired? I don't know. My new boss told me a couple months ago when they put me in my new position that I'd be getting the same rate of pay. I assumed that meant on into the new fiscal year, and so it would have been my first time in 20+ years not getting a significant raise from my employer. After giving notice to retire, and then receiving my last monthly paycheck I realized I had gotten a fairly significant raise! I was surprised. I was never notified of the raise, which is tacky I think, but not surprising since I'd given notice. I guess they figured why give my my annual assessment and tell me I got a raise when I was leaving?

Today is day two of my retirement. I've been busy. I went to a doctor appointment and had blood work done, and then a few hours later had my teeth cleaned. I'm trying to take care of health issues while my insurance is still in force.

Tomorrow I go in to UCLA medical center to have a stress test for my heart and a 24 hour monitor to check for palpitations. There is a concern that I may have heart disease. Whatever.

I'm still in escrow, with a full price offer. Please think good thoughts that it will get past the contingency period.

My mom's house fell out of escrow the same day I went into escrow on my condo. Mixed blessings, mixed emotions.

The end of day two of retirement, signing off for now.

Should I Really Retire?

2005-09-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've thrown that question out to God almost daily. I've asked that if I am doing something stupid, to send me a warning that I could not possibly misunderstand. I've also asked for confirmations if I'm doing the right thing.

I've been getting a lot of encouragement to go ahead with my plans! For instance yesterday morning on my way to work I was listening to some relaxing music (as I often do these days, don't like listening to the depressing news) but saw an unusual amount of police activity on the roads. I saw as many as five police cars along the roads on my route to work. This is a lot, as usually I see none. So I was thinking I may have missed some big news story about a terrorist threat or something and I switched the radio to the news. I caught the tail end of a human interest story and this is what I heard:

"and so she sold her house, her car, and essentially lives out of her suitcase as she travels around the world. And she loves it!"

I threw my head up and laughed. Then changed the radio back to the classical music.

Then this morning I saw an unusual bumper sticker which read: "Yes I'm an American. But I think it's time we see other people in the world."

Which is what I've been doing for a lot of years already. I'm sometimes embarrassed to be an American when I see how we bully the world with our militaristic might and force our policies down other countries throats. I've been to many countries and know there is a big wonderful world outside the United States! And that is one reason I'm leaving. I just don't want to live in an environment where the culture is all about consumerism and the pursuit of wealth. Here, the corporate world is king, and if you don't work for the "MAN" you don't qualify for social security, retirement, or health benefits! No, I choose to live in a world where family and friends are the most important thing, where what's in your heart is more important than your age, and where you aren't judged by how expensive a car you drive!

Barcelona, here I come!

Offer on the Condo

2005-08-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

I got an offer on my condo last night and we accepted it today. The offer was a full-price offer, meaning I will hold the record for selling my condo for more than anyone else in the history of the building. I bought the condo 2 1/2 years ago (at a then-record price) and it has appreciated 63% since. At the time I bought it, I was afraid it was the top of the market! I think it is the top now, at least for the short term.

It's a 30 day escrow with very few contingencies from a pre-qualified buyer.

I have someone coming out next week to give me a quote on all my furniture. If they come in too low, I'll sell everything individually on Craig's list and through an estate sale.

Yesterday I made all the arrangements for my enrollment in the Spanish language school, and have secured my housing in Barcelona. I have opted to take the "super" intensive course which is six hours a day! I then will have a two week "vacation" during the Christmas and New Year's holidays staying in a student flat in the L'Eixample (gay district). There's a good chance I'll have the flat to myself since most students will leave for the Holidays. I hope to have a new Spanish boyfriend by then to share the Holiday's with! If not, it may be a lonely time, as it will be the first time in my life I've not been at my Mom's house for Christmas. But I'm believing it will be a time of happy and contemplative reflection that will be good for my soul.

Three days of work left before I retire!

Goodbye to Mom

2005-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's partly because of Mom's untimely death a couple months ago that I'm able to do the retirement thing. Thanks Mom.

And so this past weekend the family finally spread my Mom's ashes and said our final goodbyes. I don't have much to say about it right now, except that it was a nice send-off, and I took pictures.

Open House

2005-08-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

We had open house this past weekend and there was a LOT of interest in the place. My realtor called me last night to tell me I'm about to get an offer already!

I confirmed with my niece and her fiance that I can store a few things at their place, which is a relief. I will attempt to take Kitty over to their house one day after I retire to see if he will be able to adjust at their place with the other cats, and if so I can leave Kitty with them.

Five days of work left. But who's counting?!

Am I Crazy?

2005-08-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

I guess it goes with the territory to second guess yourself when you quit your job, put your house up for sale, sell the car and all your possessions and run off to another country to live.....

The condo is listed, and I've given notice at work. I have about seven more days of work left before I'm on my own. Am I crazy?

I just found out there is no way to get a resident/retirement visa once I'm already in Spain with a tourist visa. And it supposedly takes 3 - 6 months to get one here in Los Angeles. So my only option it would seem, is to go to Spain and return to the states within three months. And so that is what I'll do. I took care of my airline reservations yesterday and tomorrow I will put the deposit on the Spanish language school which includes a month of living in their student housing. If I like their housing I'll stay the whole time, otherwise I'll look for an apartment to lease short term until I return. When I return to the states I'll need a place to stay, so in the months ahead I will be researching my options for that. I could stay with family, rent a motor home and travel around the states, get an apartment in San Francisco. The possibilities abound....

Later today I'm heading over to my Mom's house to meet my sisters and to make decisions about the distribution of Mom's estate.

I haven't told my sisters yet that I quit my job, so wish me luck!

I'm Selling My Condo

2005-08-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

I signed all the papers with the realtor yesterday, and today I shampooed the carpets to get things ready for the realators open house Tuesday. I have two more weeks of work left with my J O B and I am really looking forward to that ending. Even if my condo doesn't sell for a while, I don't care, I'll just enjoy my time off and get to know my city of West Hollywood while I'm waiting!

Wow, am I really retiring? This is so great!

What is an Expatriate?

2005-08-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

"An expatriate (in abbreviated form expat) is someone temporarily or permanently in a country and culture other than that of their upbringing and/or legal residence. The word comes from the Latin ex (out of) and patria (country), and is sometimes misspelled as ex-patriot, owing to mispronunciation. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expatriate" - From Google